The Non-Adventures of Lena

Written last Thursday:

so, i finally got internet yesterday, and i've since spent about... 10 hours, sucking the lifeblood out of it like a vampire, catching up on everything i've been so far away from for two months. i thought i was a hardcore traveller, a trooper, unaffected, but it seems i am lethally dependant on this thing, for connecting with the outside world. but it's not all technology i'm addicted to. i hardly use my cell phone and my only other gadgets are my mp3 player & camera, but they are only sometimes friends & mostly i can do without. my laptop however, has become joined to my hip, and it is the portal to, well, everything. the thing is, normally i could cope fine, with enough stimulation to distract me, but as this town is greatly lacking in entertaining pursuits... blah... i am left to chain-downloading episodes of gossip girl and consuming them voraciously. yeesh. who'd've thunk? what's worse - speaking of - is i find myself slipping back into the longings of such worlds, where every scene is filled with charmingly witty banter, where everything is safely predictable in tv land, where everyone has their role, and everything is pleasantly formulaic in roughly the same tradition it's been for the past... oh... 30 years? why can't real life be this way? and why is it so easy for me to now forgoe my usual preaching against excess and frivolity - for something deeper - in favour of some fun with the very things? so i suppose that television is my crutch. but i think the attraction lies in the excessive drama of the situations, the sometimes passion that therefore arises, and the... i suppose alpha personalities so fully displayed on screen. it's entertaining. it's full of life & longing. and really, i guess that's what we're all looking for: to get the guy or the girl (if you haven't already), to be the belle of the metaphorical ball, to have friends that have known you since diaper days... and now i've somehow managed to turn even gossip girl into something deeper than it is... and so i guess depth is in the person, not the vehicle. et voila. so... it's been fun getting recharged from the doldrums of everyday life here... a little bit of escapism... a strange element of 'chin up'... maybe it's the english too but... i hope someday that my life is as full as that... without the monetary excess, but with all the joie de vivre... australia maybe? it's been my latest fantasy. that and hunger in africa... oh two worlds... someday they'll reconcile.

Reprise, written 5 minutes ago:

so... i'm getting really homesick right now... which is a hard
thing for me to admit, since i usually put on a front because
i'm weary of people... but ya, it is what it is. i'm watching
LUCYinLA videos on youtube & am in a confessional mood.
it's not really home i'm sick for per se, since i don't really like
that place, but all things cozy & familiar, english & emotional,
christian & connected. :p phooey. i thought i was going to
be meeting all these amazing people. but i haven't. and now
i really don't know why i'm here. classes are cancelled all the
time, i'm really tired of it. i can't wait for greece. i can't wait
for people i can talk to, for friends, for fellowship, for sailing
& sun! for... being able to express emotion & opinion, for
having it be shared & supported. and i can't help but think...
then what? this was supposed to be a glamourous
adventure... and it hasn't been. and now i just feel marooned
- for 5 more months. it's become a test of endurance. and
then greece will be amazing... but then what? new york?
publishing? real estate? children in africa? nothing
satisfies. one is too... more than the other. :p i wish i didn't
have to overanalyze everything, i wish i could be normal,
shallow & fickle. ;) but i've seen too much & read too much &
my conscience won't allow it. the scary thing is... i used to
be an idealist, but the more i did, the more 'reality' crept in &
now i fear i'm a 'realist' which is really just another word for
being jaded. i never thought i'd get here. and i don't know
how LUCYinLA does it. i guess i've just realized that things
aren't that simple... except... maybe sometimes things still
are. and that's the place that elludes me. that's what i'm
homesick for. knowing you can have ambitions and put
yourself out there and someone, something's gotta bite, and
something's gotta be good, and something's gotta get better.
reality - fear's already crept in. maybe not with regards to
adventure - there's still tons of that left inside, now just to
finance it - but it's easy to escape - it's the staying put i can't
handle.