Lucky

for some reason, i have begun feeling very lucky for my place here since coming back from spain. i am incredibly thankful for the comfort of my house and have realized just how fortunate we have been to have been taken care of so well & provided for, despite all the problems. it is beautiful land and a beautiful country. God has taught me a valuable lesson this year, and has humbled me. He has shown me how much I have and how much I take for granted. He has shown me how little other people have and are either happy or unhappy with it. And He has shown me just how hard some people work, and how they have no choice in the matter, even in developed countries like France, and Portugal. He has taught me more about myself, that i am spoiled, that i have many comforts i can't do without, and regardless of whether other people have even more and are still oblivious, this awareness in me allows me to give myself permission to be so, to acknowledge it as north american, but to watch that it does not get out of control, to keep it in check, to share with others, and never forget that most have not, and help them. i feel like i have a clearer sense of what i should do, and the old feeling of assurance that came after camp a few years ago has come back. who knows how long it will stay this time, but let's see what happens after greece, and let's hope it sticks around. i just want safety, security, and a warm home. and i want to get started now, but something tells me i should just do england & australia first while i still can, lest i regret. surprisingly, instead of crushing my spirit, like some of my experiences over the past few years, this time, these things, have made me stronger. it's like a breathe of fresh air. and watching 'dedication' tonight, i thought of all the things i will look back on when i'm 40, of all the things i've done in my life, and instead of being a sheltered, boring preserved withered flower, or a hollow, jaded, shadow of a spirit, i hope to be full, whole, strong, battle-scarred but not mortally
wounded, wise, alive, and full of energy. 40 is a long way away, and still so young. i don't know what got me feeling so old, being a homebody isn't an automatic disqualification of youth, nor is being a teeny bopper booze hound the definition. i am young and i am vital and i sometimes act and think as though i am withering away, when i've only just begun. two more babe, two more, and then you'll have lives to live and stories to tell. two more. then work, hobbies, and trips thrown in here and there. full. happy. satisfied. and lucky. don't forget it.

p.s. everything's so pretty! the pink flowers are blooming, the sun is shining... & it snowed today! and the wind is blowing so hard it'll knock you over, but it's beautiful! :)

p.p.s i felt my heart was full in seville, but my heart feels even fuller now, with the comforts of home, my tv (just the warm glow of the company and the familiar french sounds and faces), my computer that connects me with home & the world & creativity, my warm cup of tea or milk, and snacks, my warm cozy bed, my sweatshirt, my pillow, cleanliness, fresh air - snow even!- pink peach flowers, pretty coloured houses, kids saying hello and teachers who've become family inquiring sincerely how i've been, this is a life here, this is a life we've created, this is it. not in the wishing or hoping or planning for future, but this. even if it sometimes stands still, even if it is frustrating and my work is laughable. this has become home. and i'm glad for having it. so so glad. i couldn't have asked for anything more, how dare i, i have so much. wanting comes from the fear of not having, which comes when we forget that we do. i just got a much needed reminder, and one of the biggest revelations of my life. interesting indeed. and now i'm eating olives stuffed with anchovies - how weird is that? but it's rubbed off on me, very french indeed, and now so is a part of me. :) giggle. ;-)

p.p.p.s. i just saw the preview for into the wild, it's too intense for me in a humanistic, primal sence, but it made me realize that me throwing myself into this year like this, and all of my experinces, are my rites of passage. since my parents did nothing but scold & overprotect me, i guess this is my way of getting it out of my system & growing up. thankfully, it looks good on my resume too. ;)