Lucky

for some reason, i have begun feeling very lucky for my place here since coming back from spain. i am incredibly thankful for the comfort of my house and have realized just how fortunate we have been to have been taken care of so well & provided for, despite all the problems. it is beautiful land and a beautiful country. God has taught me a valuable lesson this year, and has humbled me. He has shown me how much I have and how much I take for granted. He has shown me how little other people have and are either happy or unhappy with it. And He has shown me just how hard some people work, and how they have no choice in the matter, even in developed countries like France, and Portugal. He has taught me more about myself, that i am spoiled, that i have many comforts i can't do without, and regardless of whether other people have even more and are still oblivious, this awareness in me allows me to give myself permission to be so, to acknowledge it as north american, but to watch that it does not get out of control, to keep it in check, to share with others, and never forget that most have not, and help them. i feel like i have a clearer sense of what i should do, and the old feeling of assurance that came after camp a few years ago has come back. who knows how long it will stay this time, but let's see what happens after greece, and let's hope it sticks around. i just want safety, security, and a warm home. and i want to get started now, but something tells me i should just do england & australia first while i still can, lest i regret. surprisingly, instead of crushing my spirit, like some of my experiences over the past few years, this time, these things, have made me stronger. it's like a breathe of fresh air. and watching 'dedication' tonight, i thought of all the things i will look back on when i'm 40, of all the things i've done in my life, and instead of being a sheltered, boring preserved withered flower, or a hollow, jaded, shadow of a spirit, i hope to be full, whole, strong, battle-scarred but not mortally
wounded, wise, alive, and full of energy. 40 is a long way away, and still so young. i don't know what got me feeling so old, being a homebody isn't an automatic disqualification of youth, nor is being a teeny bopper booze hound the definition. i am young and i am vital and i sometimes act and think as though i am withering away, when i've only just begun. two more babe, two more, and then you'll have lives to live and stories to tell. two more. then work, hobbies, and trips thrown in here and there. full. happy. satisfied. and lucky. don't forget it.

p.s. everything's so pretty! the pink flowers are blooming, the sun is shining... & it snowed today! and the wind is blowing so hard it'll knock you over, but it's beautiful! :)

p.p.s i felt my heart was full in seville, but my heart feels even fuller now, with the comforts of home, my tv (just the warm glow of the company and the familiar french sounds and faces), my computer that connects me with home & the world & creativity, my warm cup of tea or milk, and snacks, my warm cozy bed, my sweatshirt, my pillow, cleanliness, fresh air - snow even!- pink peach flowers, pretty coloured houses, kids saying hello and teachers who've become family inquiring sincerely how i've been, this is a life here, this is a life we've created, this is it. not in the wishing or hoping or planning for future, but this. even if it sometimes stands still, even if it is frustrating and my work is laughable. this has become home. and i'm glad for having it. so so glad. i couldn't have asked for anything more, how dare i, i have so much. wanting comes from the fear of not having, which comes when we forget that we do. i just got a much needed reminder, and one of the biggest revelations of my life. interesting indeed. and now i'm eating olives stuffed with anchovies - how weird is that? but it's rubbed off on me, very french indeed, and now so is a part of me. :) giggle. ;-)

p.p.p.s. i just saw the preview for into the wild, it's too intense for me in a humanistic, primal sence, but it made me realize that me throwing myself into this year like this, and all of my experinces, are my rites of passage. since my parents did nothing but scold & overprotect me, i guess this is my way of getting it out of my system & growing up. thankfully, it looks good on my resume too. ;)

Spain & Portugal

alright folks, these are the extensive, inspired notes i jotted down during my two weeks in the iberian peninsula. there's a lot, & not sure how readible they are, but i'm proud of them. enjoy.

so, 4 hours on the train from france, a 3 hour nap, and then I fainted, twice. I got up to go to the bathroom just across the hall but my legs were going one way and my head another, and I running-planted myself right into the wall. getting up to try to lock my room and get to the bathroom, this time I b-lined it in the other direction, ending up in the shower stall,
banging my head & neck & bringing the curtain down with me. drifting in and out of consciousness, both hot sweats & cold chills ran over me & i realized i needed to stay put until it passed. so there i lay, sprawled across the bathroom, neck & head crunched in a corner for 10 minutes while the chills subsided. when i tried getting up and realized i wasn't going to fall again, i went to find my keys and there they were, in my keyhole, with the door wide open and the shower curtain half-hanging with its plastic hooks scattered everywehre. scary indeed, & memorable. i hate the feeling of not having control over your body, the last time this happend was 5 years ago & i had my mom to help me. the last time i had food poisoning & this almost happend was when i felt faint & threw up in hawaii. this time i think my body's telling me i'm not taking care of it properly, my sleep schedule & nutrition are off & i feel weak & deficient. it started this morning when it felt like there were knives in my stomach, then i could
actually feel a secretion from my right side which scared me, & then the same area started palpatating a few hours later, for about 30 mins & every 10 after that. so day 1 wasted in my haste, any doctors out there? (i've been eating so many sweets, i hope i'm not diabetic.)

getting to barcelona was a nightmare, someone stole my seat & i got bumped like 3 times on a packed train. not fun & probably contributed to my fainting.

i've now been in the room 24 hours & i still feel weak. :p

so i didn't do much today, woke up at 9 but was still feeling weak & light-headed so i stayed in bed, checking every hour until i realized i was still very sick. finally around 1pm i decided to try to get up & do something. so i slowly started getting ready, took a shower, felt much better, but by the time i changed & got going it was 4 o'clock. (took some pepto bismol & vitamin c too.) headed to the sagrada first but the tower was closed so i went to the beach instead. was pretty, then i went to parc de la ciutadella to see gaudi's fountain, but that was covered, so i strolled around & there was a pretty place for rowboats & pic nics & then i left & got lost but found
placa de catalunya & walked down las ramblas starving & looking for a place to eat. being picky i ended up walking all the way back down to the dock & settled on a place with 10 euro paella, which didn't use the special rice but was not bad & had some nice thick hot chocolate. headed home in the cold & now just trying to keep it down before bed. big day tomorrow! let's hope i manage to do it all!

spanish people intimidate me: 1) i don't speak spanish 2) they're the most lively people i've seen. johnny depp said americans had forgotten how to live & the french know, but i think the spanish know. laid-back, cool, family-oriented, pic nics, wow. maybe italy's even moreso. we'll see.

barcelona's beautiful today & the hostel & lady are SO nice. it's a beautiful city, my third time back & definately the best.

the maratime museum was fascinating & it's really important to see things from the eyes of another culture. colmbus was HUGE, he discovered america, almost an entire continent speaks spanish because of him & the new world settled - and he was spanish. sometimes that escapes us. the guy that discovered my home was spanish. the spanish are responsible for the americas. pretty cool. especially considering the passion, brawn, technical skill & knowledge, perserverance & bravery, of a culture now
thought of as so laid-back they're 3 hours late & siestas. but anyway, ya, really, really cool.

so many different kinds of people in the world & especially here. so creative. makes you feel you can be whoever you want to be. vancouver is so boring.

spain is laid back & i love it. when people say vancouver is laid-back i don't buy it. vancouver is aloof, so aloof it doesn't know the difference between aloof & laid back.

there's something here that makes me feel i could erase a lot of negative qualities vancouver brings out & focus on some positive. though everywhere there's demons.

barcelona elludes me, the first day & 1/2 i was sick & it's impossible to see a whole city in a day. at the same time, i feel like i already saw most of the major sites the first time i was here & today was oddly retracing those steps. so, even though i didn't get to see half of what i wanted to, i still feel like i got a good feel for the city. it is vast, much bigger than i thought & sites are sparse, though most are in a concentrated area. anyway, i'll be back again. (p.s. i wrote all that in some weird backwardly-linear way, that when i read back i thought i'd hallucinated as i'd forgotten i'd done that & it sounded like i was on crack. took me 15 minutes to decipher. yeesh. :/)

i'm realizing lots of things, that most places are overrated, that travelling alone isn't really fun, that i'm pretty much a homebody & american... but, i'm tired, still sick & haven't seen the city yet.

seville is beautiful. around every corner there's a photograph, every square is dazzling. if i were a painter i'd paint a thousand canvasses. forget paris, no words & so many all at once. bathed in colours of twinkling sunset, pinks, purples, pale oranges. old men wearing hats & head phones dance with cigarettes in squares as children play with balls.

as i was walking a restauranteur asked me 'ca va?' i look french? how very cool. :)

remember spanish businessmen with their steel watches, bold striped shirts under chic sweaters as they shift gears in their bmws (& caught as they pick their noses - too funny! :))

i want a european husband who wears a blazer & takes our kids to private school. (& presses into me & whispers intensely... in french? :) maybe i just want guillaume canet :/) i need someone with european disposition & north american knowledge about God but who is humble & pracitces what he preaches. okay, there's a boy inside with shades with a smile to die for. argh cute boys. it's so 'sexy', though i hate that word but can't think of another, when guys are protective & kind with children. it makes them masculine & strong.

sometimes all i want to do is stay home and sometimes all i want to do is be out all day long.

spain also feels like home. it's amazing how different cultures focus on different human states or emotions & they all therefore feel like home.

seville is the most beautiful place i've ever been. jaw to the floor the whole time. alcazar amazing, trumps versaille, the rich gardens are lush & magnificent. it has made me fall in love with arabs & the middle east. great feats, i can just imagine whiling away afternoons in a dishdasha, strolling the gardens, chewing on nuts. palace, sandals, luxurious.

seville is amazing, like baghdad, stuck in time. a feast for the senses, morocco, north africa, exotic, middle east. you can taste it, rich.

what an amazing day. what an amazing trip! never in a million years would i have thought i'd end up in cordoba, & witness those photos i saw as a kid in national geographic in person. i wasn't even planning on it. what chance! and to think i started off being so sick & crappy, & it turning out like this. seville is unexpectedly magnificent & that's an understatement. cordoba is adorable & he cathedral stunning, and i can't even imagine what the algarve will be like. *fingers crossed*

had amazing gazpacho, king prawns, dressed potatoes, & tea, all for 9 euro.
met lovely moroccan girl, Suade, finished medicine, in an amazing arabic tea shop & i bought baklava.

the spanish like their parks & i see families & playground mommies enjoying lush greenery & fun playgrounds. they also have furniture warehouses, sports complexes & mega-malls, just like we do. AND - they like their sweaters! it's so hot here in the south but a lot of men wear these fabulous, sharp sweaters. and the women coats - weird! but a well-dressed, family oriented & prosperous nation. you can tell you've crossed the border into france or portugal, they're not as lush. i like spain & spanish is growing on me. but not to live. we're just friends. (& i love the orange trees! orange trees, orange trees everywhere. so pretty & smell so good.)

i am in love with seville. it is just breath-takingly amazing. i am sitting in a marvellous garden & it smells of orange blossom & honeysuckle. with children playing, distinguished women walking their dogs & old men wearing caps sitting on benches feeding pidgeons. blue and white tile fountains, parents pushing strollers, amazing sunshine & breeze. ah... i can finally sit down & relax. & flamenco & tapas tonight! yay! can't wait & glad to be back after all, & spending the day here, instead of a
hectic rush somewhere i frankly don't even think is worth it. i could spend all day here. 4:30 am though tomorrow - fun! :p

there's an ikea in seville! heaven. except that it gets up to about 50 degrees in summer. but the palm trees are beautiful. there's cactus in spain too - weird.

i think i already wrote this but each place brings out a different part of me, & some feel like home. it's a matter of choosing which i want to focus on, which i want to be more. outback farm girl, cali/hawaii sufer girl, real estate maven, business woman, english enlightenment or american transendentalism. well, we'll see, we'll see. que sera sera.

spaniards are not immature & not all about bullfighting. the spanish are kind, generous & happy. everyone seems happy & content here. americans are obnoxious and commercial. just when i was starting to warm up to them, they are always the loudest & most intrusive tourists.

starting out on my journey to portugal, i feel content. spain & seville were amazing & already i have a good feeling about what portugal holds. i can't wait.

i came to portugal to get a tan, and i'm stuck in a torrential downpour. apparantly lisbon's flooded. oh my. it rains harder than vancouver!

Had a whole meal for 12.55 - chicken, fries, salad, ice tea, mango juice & dessert - wow. dessert was like nothing i'd ever tasted before - interesting. :/

i sent back my spaghetti, & the guy apologized like 5 times, checked up on me, & then the manager came to make sure i was ok. wow, talk about service.

well, i made it here, to portugal's hot spot, in one piece and the nasty stinker of a hotel it was supposed to be, actually isn't so bad. it's in a perfect spot too. already i made a nice cabby friend who insisted on making me say "obrigado" about a thousand times, and i walked into an internet bar to see how much it cost & i was instantly spotted as canadian by the bartender, who was originally from montreal, who told me his life story in about 2 minutes flat & insisted on gettting me a drink on the house. all very cool. but, though albufeira is a cute little town, i can't believe how much it feels like mexico, in that it has developed reorts, very touristy, (LOTS of aging brits) and lots of kitshy cheap souvenirs. like i was telling deb, the crazy portuguese south african (whose dad was a wild game hunter) i met in faro, wherever there's tourism in poverty, it just feels wrong. it's exploitation. i don't like it. i didn't know it was going to be like this though. at least the cliffs are beautiful. but the bartender said i must be either strong or crazy to be travelling alone, i told him i was determined. Felix (the brit from the isle of man i also met in faro) said i was fair, & deb said i was expressive. not that it should mater how others define me, but comments like 'strong' make me want to become a national geographic photographer... or a boxer... or war hero? strong's such a masculine word, i wish it didn't have such a boxey connotation for women. oh me. getting ever closer & ever further to what i want to be.

my room ended up smelling & having bed bugs (i woke up with bites all over my arms & face - which are still purple two weeks later) so i'm cutting it short & moving on to lagos earlier, which is supposed to be even more beautiful.

just had the most amazing thai/japanese food in portugal & i feel satisfied. mmm... i guess that's one good thing about vancouver, great asian & fusion. i miss it. this quenched my thirst. :)

went back to the thai place and had an interesting conversation with one of the waiters, from angola, brazil, & now here. he wakes up every morning to the beach & is content with his dogs & his surf camp trips with grilled fish.

so i'm here... & she's a litle crazy, but everything's clean & cozy & it's all good. there was the most amazing sunset on the way over, & i wish there was a way i could see more of this country & spain... without being a vagrant. :/ they do feel emptier & less developed than places like france & germany. i just wish there was more nature-satisfaction. i'm also realizing how much i like animals & the beach. they are both theraputic. australia & the uk, here i come. (& south america?) mexico is now cooler to me, i appreciate it more after witnessing the delapatation here. and i find that i'm quite picky when it comes to satsifaction - it's not a matter of more or less, of fancy or simple, just quality.

i forgot to write about the adorable brazilian boy who lived downstairs, proably about 19, 6'2" & very shy. it's rare for me to see shy guys these days.

just got back from the grotto trip & got some amazing pics... but now what? :/ and it seems i'm stuck here as i can't find any way back to seville on saturday... unless i leave a day early, get to faro & then figure it out. oy. i just want to relax... & go home.

spent a nice few hours at the beach & had the most amazing slice (or two) of hawaiian at pizza hut for a euro with marina view. ahhh... 'twas nice but i miss home. i missed home way back early so i've been missing home for a while. i notice it gets worse in sleepy places - it's like, ya alright, now what? i'm realizing i need to live someplace vibrant, not huge city, but happenin' & friendly & easily connected. so far bellingham & quebec seem to fit the closest bill... both medium sized... let's see what happens. recharged my sony too which is good!

as much as i hate the americanization of the world by starbucks & mcdonald's, i must admit they are a comfort haven where, as cliche as it is to go there, it's nice to find a piece of home & my fellow man. pizza hut's become a fave, so's mcdonald's & starbucks. why does starbucks have to make such a damn good iced chai? grrr.

my amazing beach morning - dona ana beach - i felt like leonardo dicaprio as i crept up on the perfect jewel cove with the clearest water i've ever seen. just perfection. i stole some sand and sea shells to take home with me. started the day with fresh squeezed orange juice for the 2nd time & it was delish. my 4th beach day in a row & i'm ready to go back to seville. granada here i come! (if i make it it'll make the trip!)

when i get home i'm definately going to go to the beach & play more & work harder & appreciate it.

a perfect day, & i'm actually alright with relaxing on a bus for 5 hours. for once, nothing to do or think about. i've been wearing these pants for 5 days though, & i need to for 3 more. :/

portugal smells funny, like raw chicken or something, & i don't know if it's the dirt, brick, wood, or house cleaner, but i'm glad to be getting back to the now familiar vinegar of the streets of spain & france.

i am so lucky, SO lucky. we're all so spoiled. most don't have choice. never forget. (and that's just portugal.) i'm noticing i don't like being stuck & i don't like being in the middle of nowhere.

i made it! i've been wearing these pants for 8 days now & i feel skanky but i made it. of course i spilled orange juice on them my last day in town but it seemed to fade in really well with the khaki so all is okay. :)

well unlike in britain, on this trip i wrote LOTS. :) i feel like i have to record my thoughts because if i don't there's no record i ever thought them. if that makes sense.